Archive for the ‘Perspective’ Category

Don’t Save It For The Prom

Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017

Red Prom Dress on HangerDid you ever hear the saying, ‘Don’t save it for the prom’?

It means, ‘What are you waiting for?’

What are you saving something for?

Why are you not doing it now?

Many of us wait.

We wait to wear nice clothes until we lose weight.

We won’t speak up in a relationship until we feel better about ourselves.

We won’t put our needs first until we deserve it.

The big question is: Why are we all waiting?

For this big event, the good feeling, the right number on the scale.

And then, we’ll give ourselves what we need.

We’ll stop saving it for the prom.

The prom is now.

The prom is your life.

Feel good today.

Wear clothes you like now.

Ask for what you need daily.

This is it.

Today is all we have for sure.

Stop waiting!

What’s Blocking Your Goals?

Wednesday, July 12th, 2017

My clients, and in fact most people I know, frequently set goals.

For all kinds of things they want to achieve.

Sometimes they achieve their goals.

They make plans, they think the right thoughts, and take the right actions.

But sometimes, they don’t reach their goals.

And often, it’s because their goals are running smack into their belief systems, and there’s a conflict.

goals

So, what’s the way around this?

Do you work harder, longer or faster?

Do you make more plans, bigger plans or different plans?

Maybe you need to take more actions?

Nope.

It’s none of the above.

First you need to look at your beliefs.

See what they are.

Is there a conflict between what you want and what you believe?

If there is, that work – the work of examining and perhaps changing some of your beliefs, that must come first.

If you want more close relationships, but one of your core beliefs is that you are unlovable, it won’t be easy.

If you want to earn more money but hold the belief that good people don’t care about money, it won’t happen.

Or, if you want a vibrant, healthy body, but you secretly believe that self-care is selfish, you may correctly guess that getting fit will be an uphill battle.

The funny thing is, we all have core beliefs that guide our lives.

We’re just not aware of them.

So, before you set those goals, before you go down the road of glory and achievement, pause.

Spend some time figuring out your deep beliefs.

Look at them and decide whether they serve you.

Deal with them if they don’t.

Then move towards your goals.

Now you’ve got a good shot at reaching them.

Take Off The Gloves

Tuesday, June 20th, 2017

Woman with Boxing GlovesAre you guilty of beating yourself up?

For things you do?

For things you wish you had done?

How about for how you feel?

Or for how you look?

Or famously, for what you weigh?

Am I leaving anything out?

At one point or another, we’ve probably all succumbed to self-beating. It’s a learned reaction.

Instead of feeling compassion and seeing what we might need to feel better, we whip ourselves with our words or our thoughts.

And we add insult to injury.

Maybe we think that if we don’t put on boxing gloves and whip ourselves into shape, we’ll be worse.

Do less.

Eat more.

Make more mistakes.

Gain more weight.

Here’s how the cycle goes:

  • We think something that makes us feel crappy.
  • Then we make it worse with how we talk to ourselves.
  • And then, in a desperate attempt to feel better somehow, we partake in a shadow comfort.

A shadow comfort gives us immediate gratification, but hurts us in the long run.

So if we overeat or overspend or overdrink to relieve the painful beating in our head, we’ll pay for it when we’re done.

And then the voice continues.

On and on and on.

There’s only one way out of this mess.

Stop.

Stop talking to yourself in a way that you’d NEVER talk to anyone else.

Be kind.

Take off the boxing gloves.

You deserve better.

How To Stop Running From Your Triggers

Wednesday, April 26th, 2017

Stop Running From Your TriggersWhen we talk about triggers in the world of weight loss, we’re talking about automatic behaviors.

Or automatic feelings.

Or automatic thoughts.

When something or someone triggers us, usually it sets off a chain reaction of thoughts, feelings and actions that lead us right where we don’t want to go, to results we don’t want.

Most weight loss wisdom has taught us to avoid these triggers.

Quick, get out!

Step away from the situation, from the aggressive co-worker, from the tempting Oreo.

But after years of advising this to my clients, and using it in my own life, I’ve come to a totally different conclusion.

Don’t run from your triggers.

In fact, run TO your triggers.

Yes, that’s right.

Welcome whatever has pressed your buttons in the past.

And use it as an opportunity for growth.

Because if we keep avoiding and running from things we are sensitized to, we’ll never confront our thoughts and feelings long enough to create new ones, ones that won’t lead us down the slippery slope.

I used to dread being with my husband or kids if they were eating sweets or something I was trying to avoid (since I’m gluten and dairy sensitive, there ARE some things it’s in my best interest to avoid).

I stayed as far away as I could, all the while internally whining about how unfair life was. And resenting them for being able to eat something I chose not to eat.

Now I see it differently.

If I don’t avoid my triggers, I have to deal with those resentful thoughts. And being with my family while they might be eating something that is off limits for me (by my choice) lets me examine my beliefs about life not being fair, not getting my share, and all the other ‘poor me’ victim thoughts floating around in my head.

I recognize them, bring them to the surface, and deal with them.

It feels a whole lot better than running to another room every time someone else chooses to do something I don’t want to be doing.

So now, when my hubby brings out the Chunky Monkey, I can have my own version of ice cream that agrees with my body, or I can have, as Geneen Roth calls it, ‘another f@#&%!g growth opportunity’!

Bring it on!

I’m Not the Life of the Party!

Thursday, January 12th, 2017

Life of the PartyHaving reached a certain age, after much consideration, therapy and coaching, I have come to recognize certain truths about myself.

When I was younger, I viewed these truths as faults.

Negatives.

Things to definitely work on, as in my goals for the year and New Year’s resolutions.

Now that I am mellowing and tuning into my own wisdom, I realize that these ‘facts about Cookie’ are not only NOT faults, but I have come to look at them as somewhat endearing qualities that I possess.

I can laugh at myself more, much to the distress of my daughters, who tend to be easily embarrassed.

So here’s what I’ve learned and have come to accept and yes, even love about myself:

Ok, so I’m not the life of the party. Any party. No matter what I wear or how I get ready. Never have been and never will be. 

But I know that I’m really comfortable and do well in small groups with intimate conversation.

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I’m a latecomer to technology, social media and all things related to my computer.

But I’ve cobbled together a real business doing what I love, and learning or getting help in my weak spots.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m a certified introvert. I’ll never get up for karaoke, so please don’t challenge me.

But I’m an intense, intuitive listener. I’ve learned to hear between the lines. That trumps my singing ability every day of the week.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

There are certain subjects that make my eyes glaze over and drool come out of the corner of my mouth. In the past, I’d work really hard to get better at these things.

Now I leave them to someone else, someone who comes more naturally to them. And I focus my energy on my own genius subjects. I’m good without being an expert at everything.

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What do I attribute this maturity, this relaxing of standards, and this self-acceptance to?

Age.
Growth.
Work.
And love.

It feels so much better to know who I am.

What it is that makes me special.

So, I’ll never be the life of the party.

I have a feeling I wouldn’t look that good with a lampshade on my head, anyway.

Goin’ Gray!

Thursday, December 15th, 2016

Woman coloring her hair to remove grayAllow me to clarify for a moment here.

The hair coloring process of Cookie Rosenblum will not be stopping anytime soon.

Nope. Covering my gray hairs will continue indefinitely.

The gray I’m talking about is beneath my crowning glory. And yours too.

It’s your mindset.

You know how you (and a million others) may have a tiny tendency to think in black and white?

Here’s how it goes:

  • You see yourself as either a good person or a terrible person.
  • Either you’re on a strict diet or eating everything that doesn’t have a pulse.
  • You might be glued to your couch eating chips, or you find yourself training for a marathon.

Sound familiar?

Well, here’s the deal.

Nothing is all good.

Or all bad.

Especially not you.

Striving to be all good all the time is guaranteed to do nothing but make you feel bad about yourself.

And why would you want to do that?

Conversely, telling yourself you’re a terrible person because something you tried wasn’t perfect puts you down that slippery slope of self-judgment.

Neither extreme works.

Neither extreme feels good.

So, go for gray.

Be okay with being just okay.

And know that being okay doesn’t mean giving up, not trying at all, or doing your worst.

It means, simply, that sometimes it’s okay to just do okay.

Not great.

Not terrible.

But okay is okay.

Do You Try To Rush Through The Middle?

Thursday, September 29th, 2016

Almost everyone I work with is very excited in the beginning.

Woman in the middle of a raceAh, the beginning.

The honeymoon.

The bright-eyed, bushy-tailed version of you.

Ready to do anything.

In love with the thought of what’s to come.

Hot for results. Hot for the end.

Relish the Middle

Very soon we progress to the middle.

The shine wears off.

The brow sweats.

The enthusiasm lags.

Where’s the end you promised? This in-between stuff isn’t for me!

But.

This is the juicy part.

It’s where you grow.

It’s the part where you solve problems.

This is where you do the work.

For real.

Unglamorous.

Messy.

Inconvenient.

But super important.

Relish the middle.

It’s the only way to get to your end.

Hold the Butter, Please!

Thursday, August 25th, 2016

Hold the Butter, Please!I have a client who is lucky enough to be married to a wonderful guy who cooks.

Frequently he has dinner waiting for her after a long workday.

And yet.

Sometimes he does things related to dinner that annoy her.

Like butter the veggies.

Or put salad dressing on the salad.

So, what’s the big deal, you may be asking?

She doesn’t want butter.

She wants to put on her own salad dressing.

But isn’t she lucky to have this great partner who cooks for her? Why can’t she just go with the flow and eat whatever he cooks?

Well, here’s why she shouldn’t go with the flow, even though she is a lucky lady.

She gets to decide what she eats, and what she doesn’t eat.

She is learning to take charge of her life. Of her choices. Of her habits, and consequently, of her eating.

Why is it that so many of us have difficulty asking for what we need without feeling ungrateful, or finicky or overly fussy?

What happens is that we’re worried about hurting someone’s feelings. We want them to be happy, and especially be happy with us, and we try to control how they feel.

The problem with this is that it isn’t really possible to have any control over how someone else feels.

As the mother of two young women, I know this firsthand.

And I’m sure you do too.

But we all need to be able to speak up and get what we need. How can we do this without walking on eggshells all the time and obsessing and rehearsing all the potential outcomes before we speak?

We are walking a fine line between being authentic and honoring ourselves and trying to control another person’s reaction to us.

It’s ok to be nice when we’re asking for what we need.

So much more pleasant than dealing with a steamroller.

But we are not less than.

Our needs count.

Going with the flow all the time teaches us to bury our needs in order to keep the peace.

And then there’s anything BUT peace on the inside.

When you get your needs met, it allows you to feel good, grateful and satisfied.

So you will act generous, and giving and more pleasant to be around.

Aren’t you more attractive to be around when you’re getting what you need?

When people do something for you, often the drive to do this ‘thing’ comes from within them. Doing something nice for you makes them feel good.

So, in this whole cycle of all of us getting our needs met, the next time your significant other prepares a lovely meal for you, it’s really okay to say, ‘Honey, hold the butter.’

Writing Down Your Weight

Thursday, August 11th, 2016

Writing in JournalIf you’re anything like me, or one of the many women I have coached, you’ve read a weight loss book or two.

Maybe you have shelves and shelves lined with them.

Perhaps they know you, in Barnes and Noble in the Weight Loss section. Or maybe they see you clicking away in amazon.com, the world’s largest virtual bookstore.

Wherever you are, if you’ve read ANY of these books, I’m sure you’ve read the advice ‘Keep a journal’.

Now, you know I’m anti-diet. But that doesn’t mean we can’t learn a thing or two from some of these best sellers.

So, when most weight loss professionals talk about writing things down, they are usually referring to two types of writing.

One, of course, is the old food journal. Some people like it, and many people hate it. What it does is help you become aware of what you’re really doing. Become more mindful.

Left to our own devices, we all think that we eat less than we do, and exercise more than we actually do.

The food journal helps us play detective with our reality.

But the kind of writing I am really talking about here is simply journaling.

Journaling what you are thinking, and feeling.

Why you do the things you do.

It’s how you get to the root of any problem behavior.

And that’s what puts you in the power position to make changes.

So, what’s the big deal about journaling, and why does it work?

When you think about why you’re doing something, and it stays in your head, it’s hard to be objective.

The story in your head sounds like the truth.

The only truth.

But when we take a few minutes and write down what we observe about a troubling situation, it’s like taking your thoughts and downloading them from your head, onto the paper.

Once there, you can examine them. It’s a perfect way of separating yourself from your story.

In your head, it feels like the only possible reality.

On paper, well, it’s just one possibility.

A whole new world of different perspectives suddenly becomes available to you.

It’s like having a deep conversation about you and your situation with someone else, only that someone else is you.

It’s truly amazing.

And the better you get at it, the quicker you will see the truth.

Eventually, you’ll see things clearer even before you write it down.

But seeing things spelled out in black and white, well, there’s just nothing like it.

So next time something is bothering you or you find yourself doing something you know isn’t in your best interest, and you don’t know why, sit down with a pen and paper. (Of course, computer docs work fine, too!)

  • What’s happening?
  • How are you feeling?
  • What were you just thinking?
  • Is there another way to look at this?
  • What would feel right to you at this moment?
  • What do you choose to do?

Don’t tell yourself you have to sit and write daily for an hour.

There is no minimum daily requirement.

This tool is for you.

When you want to feel better.

When you want to get to the bottom of something.

When you know you could be happier.

Isn’t that what we all want?

You Are Not Deprived

Thursday, July 28th, 2016

deprivedSo many of us fear deprivation.

And one of the areas that we fear this most in is eating.

Although we all want to live in fit and healthy bodies, as soon as we begin to create our new reality, feelings of deprivation creep in.

Uh oh.

I can’t do whatever I want.

This isn’t fair!

I can’t eat whatever I want.

I can’t live like this!

I’m so deprived!

Guess what?

You are not deprived.

When you decide that you want something and go after it, usually it means that you’ll be taking some actions that are different than what you are currently doing.

So, if your goal is a slim, fit body and lifestyle, chances are you’ll be eating and moving differently than you are right now.

But, when you make a decision to do anything…

You are the boss.

You are the creator.

You are choosing what you do, for you, and for the goals you want most.

Deprivation comes when you can’t do or have something you really want.

So, you can do whatever you want.

You can eat whatever you want.

You are in charge.

Always.

When you choose to make changes, you are never deprived.

You are choosing a different reality.

A reality more aligned with what you really want.

So stop telling yourself you’re deprived.

It’s a lie that keeps you stuck where you are.

You are making a choice to take care of yourself in a different way.

Different.

Not deprived.